Small Circles

Pisces, so far, an aspiration...

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go. She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. a light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Rev. Safire Rose, Agape International Spiritual Center

Doing the dance of life

Does your body ever tell you what it wants, what it needs, but your response is "yeah, right, whatever?" Not like when your body says, "I want dulce de leche ice cream," and you walk, no run, to the nearest Freddo to satisfy your needs.  Not like that.  More like, you've been thinking for years, 5 years maybe, that what you really need to do is dance, but for one reason or another you don't dance.  Has that happened? 

My intention this lunation was to sharpen my perception, listening for messages from the depths, from wherever...  And two messages came in loud and clear, the first being, "Move your body.  Now.  Fool."  I know I have been saying this for years, the need to dance -- and maybe I'd go to a concert or a wedding and dance a bit and temporarily fill that space.  I think that dancing really connects me to my body, (duh) and that body connection is essential for me, otherwise it is too darn easy to get lost in the clouds, in my head.  For years I didn't have to manage dancing, I just went to dead show after dead show after phish show etc., and in those spaces, was able to ecstatically dance my ass off.  But then there were not so many shows any more...  and I stopped dancing as much.  Perhaps Nia helped fill the space for a time while I was in Boulder.  But yeah, since Albie came along, there have not been that many opportunities for that ecstatic release that is dancing. 

I have also been feeling that I have been ignoring my body while here in Argentina.  I have taken for granted that I live in a city, and that I am walking everywhere, and that that is enough.  But it is not enough -- my back aches, I feel stiff.  I dance in my house and feel like an hardened fossil.  Mindful movement then, seems to be an important piece of my pie...

So, I saw this 5 rhythms dance class offered locally, and I only blew it off twice before finally going there yesterday.  Allow me to state the obvious:  it was fabulous.  It was more authentic movement than structured dance...  basically, we moved for 2 hours.  A tremendous release.  For the first half hour, the instructor does not say a thing, you just move, dance if you want, waking your body up...  Slowly, slowly, the class explodes into a joyous throbbing luminous body...  Dancing.  There is something about dancing in a group -- while I have had many mind altering moments dancing by myself in my kitchen, the group brings the experience of ecstasy...  That's what I got out of dead shows too -- ritual experiences of ecstasy (as Joseph Campbell said). 

And all that brings me to the other message that keeps ringing my bell -- that of love, big love, universal love.  I won't flesh out the whole thing, but I had been thinking about the sacred marriage, hieros gamos, the yin yang, the jewish star...  Wondering about getting beyond seeing the duality, and really seeing the totality.  Getting that it is our language that creates black/white, that this is a bit yin and this is a bit yang.  But really the yin yang is so much more than the yin side and the yang side -- it's yinyang, the whole thing....  Ok, yeah, words aren't working so well.  Skip ahead.  I started feeling, hearing, sensing that the glue is love.  Universal love.  Running through it all, making the all one...  I share this not like truth, or some brand new revelation tha no one has thought of before -- more like a 'believe-ish' that's been following me around.

But wondering, how to sink that love deep in, deep in, to be present daily, in my most mundane moments...  In the dance class, one of the last songs was Queen's epic anthem.  And we were all so high, so ecstatic as we were moving, singing, "We are the champions..."  And I felt so much love, unity...  That sense of universal love -- albeit perhaps watered down, so my little human heart can hold it...  But after class, as I floated down the streets of Buenos Aires just like post election day, I was thinking, "why am I not present to this love all the time?   Why am I so human?"  Wondering if perhaps that is why these ritual experiences of ecstasy are so essential, in whatever form you choose to partake.  They bring us to those moments of One, of Love, of Moment and Light, and Goddess, and God, and Mystery.  These experiences remind us perhaps, remind us of the bigness...  which then maybe trickles down into our little lives.  When we lived a bit more tribally, a bit more connected, we probably managed incorporating these moments of ecstatic ritual quite well.  Now, these days, I think we really have to seek out these experiences.  I know, for me, I must seek out.

So, that's what tomorrow's full moon is bringing me...  Dance.  Love.  Dance.  Love.  Dance.

And I'm really sore.

Monday's gone (two of them), gone with the wind

It's very warm and very muggy today and the other night I was still wearing a tee-shirt at 10pm and it's May!  And really, I don't even know what that means because I don't really get that it's late autumn and we're only 4 weeks away from winter solstice  which means it's like late November but not late November in NY or CO, more like late November in South Carolina and...  well...  I am discombobulated and I must admit, I do look forward to returning to the USA and re-combobulating myself.  But first, I suppose I am here to continue this dance with discombobulation.  It's all the rage!

This lunation saw me make the fabulous intention to devote some time to my own pleasure.  Which, um, I think I've been making some version of this intention since I arrived in Argentina.  And um, not really getting it just quite right.  At least not in the eyes of my perfectionist Virgo rising personality.  But, I guess the interesting thing for me about making an intention every month, and then tracking it throughout the moon, is that I never really know what is going to come up...  Like say I make an intention to bake a cake this month, and I don't bake that cake, well surely I will glean some insights about baking or not baking and maybe while reading a cake recipe online I find a great article on Zen and the Art of Candle Making and I make a candle and my life is forever changed.  These things happen! 

So, on this full moon day, what have I begun to harvest from the seed I planted 2 weeks ago? Post to my blog once a week on Mondays:  nope, not really.  Wake up a little early to meditate: tried twice and gave up.  Dancing:  not yet, but I still have another 2 weeks.

Instead I spent the last 10 days or so being a nurse.  The most awful flu ever hit our house, and Chris and Albie each spent a week+ in bed, not well, feverish, cranky, and generally miserable.  I have never seen such a thing as this flu bug.  I was (thank you universe) spared the attack on my immune system, and so instead I lost my mind.  Ooh boy.  Major cabin fever and tiredness...  I was non stop all the time...  I found myself wishing, please, any life but this one.  Which wow, that kind of thinking really leads to bright and happy feelings and bright and happy moods.  A class I was going to take on the triple goddess was canceled, yoga was out, and fuck meditation because then I might actually have to be present. 

It felt like, well, like sinking.  Duh.  But you know, I found myself wondering was I ever in my adult life going to feel like I was on top of things?  Like I was in charge of the flow of my life?  Does anyone out there feel in control?  Not like, ultimate control, obviously, we don't control shit...  But, in mini-control?  Life just comes at me, at least that's what it feels like right now, like those automatic tennis machines and someone set the speed a bit too high and the balls are flying at me and some I hit and some whiz by and I'm like, "What the fuck was that?"  And then I get smacked in the head.

If you are in mini-control of your life -- please let me know what that is like.  I am curious.

I think I felt it for a moment around 22-23.

Is it much too cliché to repeat the quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?"  Well, poop if it is a cliché, because that just about sums me up right now. 

Ah well, we have emerged from the fire.  A little tired, a little burned, but perhaps all the better for it...  Albie finally went back to school today and all his buddies were thrilled to see him.  I think he liked that feeling.  I am working on loosening up a bit...  Letting go...  Letting go...  and yeah, being present.  On Sunday we were at my niece's b-day party and in typical Argentine style it did not start till 4 so you don't show up until 5 and the candles were not blown out until at least 9pm.  On a Sunday.  Around 7 I felt myself going to that (aaaaawwwwww) freak-out place:  oh my god, it's 7, he didn't eat, he needs to be in bed in an hour, he wants cake, oh fuck, oh damn, what do I do, why am I the mom, oh fuck, HOW DO I GET THIS PERFECT?!?!  And then, a moment of grace.  When I saw that right then, we were happy, with family, out for the first time in over a week.  Albie was happy.  When he's happy I'm happy. [This could be a huge post in itself, how tied our moods are.  It is a vicious cycle:  I get tense, so he gets tense and acts up, so I get tense because he's acting up and round and round and round.  Trying not to make his moods mine, or a reflection of my inherent goodness.  As in, he behaves well, or eats well, and that means I am good and right.  If he behaves poorly, well then, I'm just a fucked up ho bag and he ends up thinking he is bad.]  Anyhow, we stayed at the party.  And he played.  And I drank beer and chatted.  And right there, in that moment, I saw that I was devoting time to my own pleasure, and it worked for Albie too.  Deep breath....  Fresh air....   

And then we blew-off school on Monday.  And would you believe?  The universe is still intact.

Moon to moon to moon to moon

 

Oh boy.  Have I forgotten how to use this blog?  Sort of...  I was sharing with Becca that I really miss this space...  this space that I use for processing/exploring/spinning...  When I don't write it down, it all just stays put in my head and then I get some major traffic jams going on and I'd really like to open up those neuronic (no coincidence that it rhymes with moronic) highways and byways because I never really understood traffic anyhow. 

If all my traffic ends up here, does that make you a rubber-necker? 

See, I am out of practice.  I begin with nonsense.

Shall I at least wrap up the last month?  Seems like a long one...  Well, we've been in BA almost 5 months now.  Last month was Albie's second month of school...  He started off great, happy to go to school, wanting to go 7 days a week, thrilled to have playmates.  And then, all of a sudden, not so much.

It began one day after I dropped him off, and then the teacher came to get me outside.  She explained that Albie was sad because he forgot to say goodbye so I went back in to give him a hug.  He started crying when he saw me, saying he didn't want to go back in to the classroom.  I spoke to his teacher and we both felt that since Albie had been so happy to go in the past, perhaps I ought not force it, and take him home.  So I did.  And so it began.  I think all the huge changes finally caught up with him and he needed/needs some time to just let it rip....   The next day, and the 3 days after that, I had to leave Albie screaming and crying in the arms of his teacher.  Absolutely sucked.  I'd leave him and cry the whole way home, convinced (yet again) that I had ruined my son's life, and made a terrible mistake coming here.  I very much reeked of eau de victim.

Good thing:  Albie's teachers are wonderful and they held him close and sang to him and let him cry until he came back to himself and was ready to play.  They allowed him to be as close as he wanted to be, and continue to do so...  When I pick him up from school, he seems happy.

So, here we are now, a couple weeks later, and he's not crying when being dropped off, although he does sometimes say, "don't make me go to school."  Things shifted when I decided to pull some tarot cards for guidance.  I pulled 4 cups and son of cups (who can I be?)...  reminding me to give Albie the safe space to let his emotions  flow.  I also pulled the 7 swords (what can I do for him?) -- which had me think that what Albie and I needed was a strategy.  So, we created a strategy -- how we walk up the stairs and through the hall and how we hug and what we say and how he can feel strong when he walks into the classroom.  Every day we do our strategy.  And I don't have to leave a screaming child.  He said, "When I'm crying I can't kiss you or say goodbye."  He'd rather kiss.

So, no crying at school, but but...  it is clear that Albie is still doing some major adapting work -- really struggling with the change.  The first few months were fine, but I think school just sent him spinning.  We've seen a lot of anger, emotional explosions...  Every day a challenge.  The other day we were painting, and this is the picture he drew.  Kind of telling huh?   He has said he hates it here, he wants to change our flights now.  He has also said that he loves the buses.  Hard thing for a little guy:  to be with both love and hate.

The past 3 days have been much better.  Mostly, I am attempting to continue to hold that safe space for him -- that space where he can share his anger, sadness and frustration.  Allowing him to cry and scream as much as he wants.  It is hard to set limits, because I know he is hurting, but you know, no hitting continues to be a rule...  Also working on making more magic...  We spent Sunday at a eco reserve and it was wonderful.  Oh the amazing restorative qualities of plants and trees and grasses and dirt and water!

Um...  silver lining:  he is speaking a ton of Spanish!  And I think the more capable he feels with Spanish, the easier it will be in school.  He's a talker, and his Spanish, while quite good, is no where near his English... Ultimately, I think this is all good for him, albeit quite the challenge for a little guy.  But I feel like he'll get through it, and at least sub-consciously, he'll know that he is able... 

Oh, so much more to say...  (I thought BA would be all about me and my free time and all the things I'd do and it's been so so so much about me as a mother...  my spiritual path as a mother...  which, wow, most intense spiritual practice there is, at least for me...  Learning how to stand up, be strong, facilitate, be the authority and the softness, the responsible one and the free one, letting of tension, letting go, letting go, washing off that eau de victim.) 

...but I'll move on to my intention for this lunation.  I started writing here (oh so many moons ago) as a sort of homework assignment -- tracking my intention throughout the month.  So here I am, back at the beginning.  An intention for the moon.  The taurus moon.  The exact wording of my intention came from an email from Becca...

My intention is to devote time to my own pleasure. 

• writing weekly on this blog (mondays)
• dancing once during this lunation (like in a class)
• waking up just a wee bit earlier to meditate from now until the full moon

Card of the month:  Daughter of wands.  You go with your earthy, fiery self.

 

 

Circles, in Spanish

It's a rainy day here in BA...  as Albie says, "It's a good day to get cozy and watch a movie."  So that's just what he's doing.  An interesting, unlooked for side effect of our move to BA is that we have really cut down on video time (and TV time for me.)  I mean, not that we were every-day-for-hours kind of watchers anyway, but we just aren't watching that much these days.  No real reason why -- Albie isn't asking, I'm not turning the tube on...  The irony is that we have cable here, which we didn't have in NY.  So even with the abundance of choices -- we're not watching.  Not that we're doing anything inspiring or noble with all that no-TV time...  Anyhow...  Today, it rains and we get cozy.

When it rains gently here, there's an absolutely delightful swooshy pitter pattery kind of sound made on my metal roof.  When it pours, you can't hear a thing.  YOU HAVE TO YELL TO BE HEARD.  It sounds like the percussion section of all the world's orchestras are practicing in my courtyard.   Quite fun, except in the middle of the night, if you hope to be sleeping.

So.  Circles.  Last Saturday I attended a woman's circle.  Well, it was more of a teaching circle -- a course on menstruation -- but it was a circle nonetheless, full of ritual, sharing, and joy.  Last new moon I wished to find a woman's circle and I got busy in looking for one.  I began my quest by searching the web -- I searched for such things as "femenino sagrado" and "espiritualidad femenina."  I figured it would surely be a good place to start if someone down here had a web page that spoke of the sacred feminine.  I didn't find much -- a wiccan page, a pagan page, and a couple other pages.  The couple other pages were gems though...  I emailed both women, asking if they were part of a woman's circle.  I got immediate responses, and the answer from both was "no."  Of course though, they both lead a bunch of classes...  The one's path is through a woman's blood -- the other's path is through the archetype of the triple goddess.  At the very least, I have met some lovely women, future teachers perhaps.  The one whose class I took is the one who strongly suggested I start a circle...  And I am thinking that is just what I'll do.  I mean, first I'll spin and stew, and then I'll create a circle (allow a circle to be created?).  It seems to be really strongly desired...  The women -- they are asking for that kind of connection. 

The circle last weekend was fabulous -- I learned a bit, danced a bit, and worked on feeling authentic whilst sharing in Spanish.  So much harder than I thought it was!  Yet another thing to let go of in this move -- my voice, my expression in my mother tongue.    There were a few young 20's women there, and I felt this surge of love for them...  remembering my early 20's, the looking, searching for spiritual connection, searching for meaning, wanting to "find myself."  They all shared something to that extent, that they wanted to find themselves.  Interestingly (and so hopeful too for the young 20-somethings), the women in their late 30's and 40's almost all shared from a place of knowing exactly(ish -- the word exactly ought to always be followed by ish) who they were.  As in, "I am here because circling with women is an essential part of my spiritual practice...  a place to see my beauty, joy and sadness reflected in your eyes..."  We all get there.  And we all keep going on and on.

Hopeful, all these small circles all over the world...  So very hopeful.

Moons, rats, thighs...

Had myself a little New Moon Circle of One the other night -- my second here in Buenos Aires.  Looking forward to finding/creating a larger circle...  I miss gathering with women.  I made some wishes this new moon -- I am currently liking the energy of wishes.  I think perhaps it's a way for me to get out of my head, out my perfectionist tendencies (must get this life right!)  I think sometimes I am trying to get it right with my intentions.  Like a to do list.  Just liking that magical, throw it out there to the universe, go on, make a wish, vibe.

Of course, this new moon always coincides with Chinese New Year.  Year of the Earth Rat, it is.  So we went to Chinatown to celebrate with a lovely meal.  I love how Chinatown is kind of the same everywhere -- the same but different.

I ordered sesame noodles, and the waitress warned me that this was a very typical Chinese dish.  I guess that a lot of Argentines don't like it?  It was delish.  As was the chicken with anana. 

And then the thighs.  These thighs, they make my hormones go crazy and awaken my womb who then screams at me,  "Lets you and me grow some of these thighs again!  Go get some seed!"  Crazy, this womb of mine.  But look -- see!  Thighs!

Chosen

In January, I did a tarot spread for the coming year.  I pick one card for each lunation, and then when I arrive at that particular lunation, I pick some more cards to help inform the card of the month.  The card I picked back in January for this month has been freaking me out for quite some time:

I don't know if you can tell by this picture, but the 9 of swords just reeks of mental anguish.  Spin, spin, spin.  And back when I picked it, I knew that this was the time of year when "Where the heck are we going?" was going to come to a head.  Like a nasty zit.  And I also knew I had great mastery with spinning, loop de loop in my head, and so I was scared of this card.

A week or so ago, I bought us all tickets to Argentina.  A six month ticket.  Leaving December 12, returning some time in June.  And as I pressed "purchase," I felt sick to my stomach.  And I started spinning.  Let's take a quick ride:  I don't want to go, I'm not excited to go, will Albie be ok, I'm totally fucking him up, how will he say goodbye to school, Argentina's dirty, will we find a place to live, what about school, what about Boulder, how will I leave my family, ok let's go, no no no, can I have another child, when, where, do I have to put my life on hold, I suck, is this the absolutely perfect right thing to do?  I must make the RIGHT choice.  Above all else, GET IT RIGHT! 

Spinning.  It got really, excruciatingly hard at some moments.  More challenging than anything, a constant meditation practice.   When I meditate, I use a sacred word to bring me back to center when I find myself deeply hooked into a particular thought.  I've been doing the same with the spinning, saying my sacred word, doing a little dance, hugging Chris & Albie -- anything that helps me come back to center.  And in spite of the deep -- let's just say the big F word -- deep FEAR, I have been moving forward.  Making calls.  Packing up.  Moving through it.  Realizing: I can go to Argentina, I can make the next move, in spite of or in conjunction with the deep fear.   And the spinning has gotten less significant with each passing day.

Thank you Luna for the new moon.  What a gift, to wake up with the feeling of newness, the feeling that this is the day of beginnings, something new and magical this way comes...  Last night, when I did my tarot spread of the month, I first went through my deck to find the nine of swords.  I lay the card down in front of me, and this time, I wasn't afraid.  No, it felt more like a friend:  "What up Spinny? What's going down? You and me, we're buddies right?"  It was ok.  I knew/know that I might just keep spinning.  And I can accept that, I can continue to move through the fear.  Vicki Noble writes this about her card in the Motherpeace book:

Although demons come from the unconscious, they can be fought by conscious intention.  Part of the personality cowers in terror, hands covering her eyes, refusing to look at or deal with the problem, immobilized by fear.  The other part of the self rises up in strength and confidence -- ready to confront the Shadow.  Power flames from the sword that appears in front of the heroic part of the personality, which reaches out with her right hand to grasp this tool of liberation.  The only way out is through the pain and fear, through a confrontation with one's monsters.

As part of my morning ritual, I speak some affirmations: I am strong, I am confident, I am courageous.  I call to Artemis, goddess of the perilous passage, and imagine myself as her.  And so I suppose if I want agility -- to help myself and others -- in the  perilous passages of life (birth, death, and everything in between), well, I suppose I must go through some of those perilous passages myself.

My intention this lunation:  To move through the dark, fearful spinning.  To have the spin, & the emotions found therein, feed me, nourish me, love me...  the beautiful messages from the depths.

Opa, autumn, betrayal

My dad was here visiting for a few days last week and when he left I was very weepy.  My dad is a funny, quirky, old German.  I really love spending time with him, and I love to see him play with Albie.  They are two peas in a pod -- one as stubborn and controlling as the other.  He taught Albie how to say, "Oh shit," when something goes wrong.  But he left, and I wept.  And I said to Max, "It's not so easy to love people."  Especially now, as we spread ourselves across this planet, this planet that seems to grow smaller and smaller every day...  The people I love most are all over the place -- dammit -- which leaves me full of missing and longing.  The phone is a gift, as is the internet, but I want to have you over for a cup of tea you stinky poopie heads.

Sunday after he left, we celebrated the first day of Autumn.  Albie really seems to like marking these days as much as I do, and I think children really thrive on being present to the rhythms and cycles of the year.  I have learned not to overdue it, to keep our little rituals simple and fun -- keeping the dogma out of it as it were.  We got some bird seed to share with our bird relations and we cut and hung apple slices to dry in the autumn sun.  Of course, we cut the apple slices to reveal the magic star within, and we've been looking for the magic star in nature since then.  Our nature table now includes dry, fallen leaves, acorns and pine cones -- signs of autumn.   In the evening, we had ourselves a little campfire by the lake, complete with glow sticks and s'mores.   This is such a fabulous time of year to share the night with young children...  The sun sets early enough, the evenings are comfortable, and the stars are shining brightly now that the hazy glaze of summer isn't filling the sky.   We look for Venus, the big dipper, the milky way.  "That's the galaxy, mama," says Albert.

Then Monday, I went to help a friend who was teaching a birth class.  There were three pregnant couples and I was so thrilled to be there.  All of a sudden though, I felt extremely dizzy and extremely sick.  I could barely walk straight but I made it to the bathroom.  I felt nauseous, twirly loopy dizzy, out of sorts...  I threw up and realized I had to get home -- but there was no way I could drive myself home what with the earth threatening to swallow me up.  I felt so bad that I called my mom and asked her to pick me up.  I made it home safely, before stopping to puke in the parking lot.   I got into bed, and as I lay there, without moving, (because of the whole swallowing earth phenomena), feeling out of control, a thought flashed through my head:  My body is betraying me.  And that thought scared me a bit.  I mean, what a thing to think -- so far from a place of "honor thy body."  And I wonder, is that really, deep down how I feel about my body?  I can get present to the 80 year old, who feels 25 in spirit, but whose body just doesn't keep up anymore.  It is another version of being present to my own mortality -- really, it's my body, my physicality that has me be present to my death.  We see the cycles of life and death again and again in the Earth's body...  And for me, and I've been exploring this during this lunation, there has often been a disconnect from my body.  I am more at home in the airy, transcendent realms -- sometimes looking at my body with total confusion, as in, what the fuck are you doing here?  But, but, but...  My body = the body = the earth = life = creation = goddess = immanence = feminine = a very important part of my/our consciousness and evolution and development.   And so to find that feeling of betrayal deep in me, well, it has me stop for moment.  Sorry to spin, but this is juicy for me.  And wouldn't you know -- it just fits in so well to my readings...

But from our knowledge of other cultures we can say that the relation of masculine to feminine, as expressed in the sacred marriage of goddess and god, or god and goddess (depending on the culture), was always the culmination of religious ritual.  And this must tell us something about a universal need to reconcile these two polarities of human experience.  ...  We will explore the possibility that the divine image of the masculine principle requires a complementary divine image of the feminine principle if the image of the divine is to inspire and heal.  The Ethical Word of the Law and the Loving Compassion of the Heart may not have to be represented as divine figures -- as god and goddess -- as long as both conceptions or principles are present in the divine image.  The archetypal masculine quality of Transcendence and the archetypal feminine quality of Immanence may both be necessary in the image of divinity for the sacred marriage to take place in the human soul.

--from The Myth of the Goddess, Evolution of an Image by Anne Baring and Jules Cashford

6th lunation

Intention this moon:  to listen, for stories, to share here -- or there, and share them daily until the full moon.

Card this moon: 

For those rooting for the Steer -- he is still free.  I like to think he had himself a little Beltane encounter with a goddess in the woods...

Nous sommes du soleil

Last night an owl sang me to sleep, "Woo hoo, hoo woo."  Just one more thing to be glad about here in the North Fork.  Back on March 28th, I posted that it was a stunning spring day -- all happy and giddy and springy.  Well, that was the last one until yesterday.   I was mostly under control and flowing with and so what that it's freezing and raining...  But the day before the sun and warmth finally decided to return I lost it.  I was saying things like, "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this shit."  All eloquent and stuff.  I made up and sang out of key songs:  I love you sun, please come have some fun, don't be such a shmo, shine on us silly mo fos, I'm losing it, I gotta get a grip...  As bad as they are, the songs worked!  The sun is back, it is warm, it is earth day, and I am pleased.

And that brings me to my intention for this fifth lunation.  I have been pretty much ignoring my body all winter and early spring and so you know, a key element has been missing from the body, mind, & spirit holy trinity.   Time to bring some attention back to the body...    Often, I'll say things to myself like, "I'm going to do yoga 10 times this week."  And because that is so big it just hangs over my head and since it was clearly a stupid goal, I ignore myself and then weeks go by and still, my body is longing for movement.  So I made a workable, inspiring intention:  Yoga class once a week.

So, new moon was Tuesday, and Wednesday night my lovely friend N was teaching her yoga class.  I resisted going all day -- that lovely voice of sabotage...  I don't even know where that comes from -- because really, I wanted to go to class, Wednesday evening classes would be perfect.  But yeah, all day, internally fighting it.   It was a rainy coldish day, actually, the one where I finally started saying, "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this shit," and so I was feeling sluggish.  Yeah -- I think that had a lot to do with my mood and my energy.  Which brings me a bit closer to my point...

I made it to class.  N is a great teacher and she is 6-7 months pregnant so she is beautiful to look at as well.  Actually, I am going to be her doula, and when she put her hands on my back during downward dog I could not help but think I'd be doing the same for her soon.  Not the point though...   At the beginning of class we were talking about the 8 limbs of Ashtanga yoga, specifically the niyamas which make up the second limb.  We spoke a bit about Santosha, the second of the niyamas -- translated as contentment.

Contentment is serenity, but not complacency. It is comfort, but not submission; reconciliation, not apathy; acknowledgment, not aloofness. Contentment is a mental decision, a moral choice, a practiced observance, a step into the reality of the cosmos. Contentment/santosha is the natural state of our humanness and our divinity and allows for our creativity and love to emerge. It is knowing our place in the universe at every moment. It is unity with the largest, most abiding, reality.

And again, thinking about that contentment does not come from without -- it is not external circumstances that make one content.  We know this right?  Heard it a million different way right?  Living it is such a challenge though...  truly the biggest challenge of my life here the past two years. 

It just felt so perfect to be in that class on Wednesday, happy to be there, to be being with Santosha during the practice.  Happy to be listening to the messages coming my way.  Observing.  I was so low that day, the rain and cold and lack of springiness had gotten to me...  The next afternoon, the sun came out, and although it was still a bit chilly, I found myself in the village green with Albie, N and her daughter and partner, then another friend came by, then the cool and hip new mayor and his wife came by...  The sun was shining the kids were playing, the adults were laughing and life felt full of life.  And I felt so content -- you know when that tangible energy of all-rightness fills you up?  Bubbles that start at your feet and fill your groin and wrap your heart and swirl around your third eye and burst out your crown?  Like that. 

And so I wonder, about contentment, Santosha.  My mood changed so much from one day to the next...  Was it all due to external circumstances?  Was it just about the sun?  Did the yoga practice plant the seeds of Santosha in me, so that I could begin cultivating, no matter the circumstances?   Don't know, don't know that I need to know right now.  Just checking myself out.  You know, I get a kick out of all this rambling and spiraling and writing.  Every story is a ceremony and all that.  Glad I made that intention and got off my butt.