
Oh boy. Have I forgotten how to use this blog? Sort of... I was sharing with Becca that I really miss this space... this space that I use for processing/exploring/spinning... When I don't write it down, it all just stays put in my head and then I get some major traffic jams going on and I'd really like to open up those neuronic (no coincidence that it rhymes with moronic) highways and byways because I never really understood traffic anyhow.
If all my traffic ends up here, does that make you a rubber-necker?
See, I am out of practice. I begin with nonsense.
Shall I at least wrap up the last month? Seems like a long one... Well, we've been in BA almost 5 months now. Last month was Albie's second month of school... He started off great, happy to go to school, wanting to go 7 days a week, thrilled to have playmates. And then, all of a sudden, not so much.
It began one day after I dropped him off, and then the teacher came to get me outside. She explained that Albie was sad because he forgot to say goodbye so I went back in to give him a hug. He started crying when he saw me, saying he didn't want to go back in to the classroom. I spoke to his teacher and we both felt that since Albie had been so happy to go in the past, perhaps I ought not force it, and take him home. So I did. And so it began. I think all the huge changes finally caught up with him and he needed/needs some time to just let it rip.... The next day, and the 3 days after that, I had to leave Albie screaming and crying in the arms of his teacher. Absolutely sucked. I'd leave him and cry the whole way home, convinced (yet again) that I had ruined my son's life, and made a terrible mistake coming here. I very much reeked of eau de victim.
Good thing: Albie's teachers are wonderful and they held him close and sang to him and let him cry until he came back to himself and was ready to play. They allowed him to be as close as he wanted to be, and continue to do so... When I pick him up from school, he seems happy.
So, here we are now, a couple weeks later, and he's not crying when being dropped off, although he does sometimes say, "don't make me go to school." Things shifted when I decided to pull some tarot cards for guidance. I pulled 4 cups and son of cups (who can I be?)... reminding me to give Albie the safe space to let his emotions flow. I also pulled the 7 swords (what can I do for him?) -- which had me think that what Albie and I needed was a strategy. So, we created a strategy -- how we walk up the stairs and through the hall and how we hug and what we say and how he can feel strong when he walks into the classroom. Every day we do our strategy. And I don't have to leave a screaming child. He said, "When I'm crying I can't kiss you or say goodbye." He'd rather kiss.
So, no crying at school, but but... it is clear that Albie is still doing some major adapting work -- really struggling with the change. The first few months were fine, but I think school just sent him spinning. We've seen a lot of anger, emotional explosions... Every day a challenge. The other day we were painting, and this is the picture he drew. Kind of telling huh? He has said he hates it here, he wants to change our flights now. He has also said that he loves the buses. Hard thing for a little guy: to be with both love and hate.
The past 3 days have been much better. Mostly, I am attempting to continue to hold that safe space for him -- that space where he can share his anger, sadness and frustration. Allowing him to cry and scream as much as he wants. It is hard to set limits, because I know he is hurting, but you know, no hitting continues to be a rule... Also working on making more magic... We spent Sunday at a eco reserve and it was wonderful. Oh the amazing restorative qualities of plants and trees and grasses and dirt and water!
Um... silver lining: he is speaking a ton of Spanish! And I think the more capable he feels with Spanish, the easier it will be in school. He's a talker, and his Spanish, while quite good, is no where near his English... Ultimately, I think this is all good for him, albeit quite the challenge for a little guy. But I feel like he'll get through it, and at least sub-consciously, he'll know that he is able...
Oh, so much more to say... (I thought BA would be all about me and my free time and all the things I'd do and it's been so so so much about me as a mother... my spiritual path as a mother... which, wow, most intense spiritual practice there is, at least for me... Learning how to stand up, be strong, facilitate, be the authority and the softness, the responsible one and the free one, letting of tension, letting go, letting go, washing off that eau de victim.)
...but I'll move on to my intention for this lunation. I started writing here (oh so many moons ago) as a sort of homework assignment -- tracking my intention throughout the month. So here I am, back at the beginning. An intention for the moon. The taurus moon. The exact wording of my intention came from an email from Becca...
My intention is to devote time to my own pleasure.
- writing weekly on this blog (mondays)
- dancing once during this lunation (like in a class)
- waking up just a wee bit earlier to meditate from now until the full moon
Card of the month: Daughter of wands. You go with your earthy, fiery self.