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January 22, 2006
Albie's journey down through the tunnel of love
Almost 3 years after Albie's journey, I have pulled our birth story out from the pages of my journal and I am sharing it here. I just re-read the story and I got inspired to type it up. It's funny, reading it after 3 years... being inspired by myself and the journey all mothers and babies and fathers make. Although it needs much editing, I typed it up word for word. I actually wrote the birth story down during the first few weeks of Albie's life, and so I kept in some of my commentary on being a new mom and my beautiful baby boy. There are some things missing from the story... like I thought I'd be baking chocolate cakes during early labor, rather than doing laundry. And my call with Becca! I spoke to Becca that Friday morning because we were supposed to get together. (Note to pregnant women: forget spicy food, nipple stimulation, sex and black cohosh. The best way to start labor is to schedule a date with Becca to do birth art.) I remember asking her if she could tell me what contractions felt like... ha! One thing that's clear from this story is that I was clueless. It wasn't until the very end that I got that the baby was coming. NOW. Anyhow, the tale is a long one, which is why it continues on another page... If you find yourself interested, read on...
The amazing tale of Albie J's arrival to Planet Earth (this time around) on January 25th, 2003 at 12:08am.
Friday morning, January 24th. I am awakened around 3am or so with some cramping – or a sensation that feels like cramping. I cannot really continue to sleep. I get up a few times to go to the bathroom and I have very soft stool. I remember Elizabeth saying that that could be a sign of labor. I also notice some pinkish mucousy discharge. Also – these contractions are coming in fairly regular intervals. They are not too intense or anything, but they definitely come in waves. So I am thinking, “Oh shit – is this it?” I went downstairs to look at the books about when you know you are in labor. A part of me was clueless – a part of me was giddy with excitement. I sort of felt like I did when I bought the pregnancy test… giddy, elated, ready for a new adventure. Anyhow – I read the books and was still left unsure. Around 5:30am Chris woke up and I was standing in our room. He says he knew something was up. I told him what was occurring and we both lay in bed. I joked that he shouldn’t give me any lovings because that could bring on labor. We were both unsure what was up. Should Chris go to work? Were we in labor? Around 8am or so I called Elizabeth and explained to her what I felt. I described the contractions – how they were not intense, how they spread down my thighs and around my back. I also described the pink discharge and I do remember that I failed to mention that I thought I might be leaking waters. Silly me. Elizabeth basically said that we would have to wait and see and to go about business as usual. She encouraged me to place as little attention as possible on what I was feeling -- basically not to freak out because if it was labor, I had a long road ahead of me. She asked that I call her back around 10am or so. So we shipped Chris off to work and I began my day. First we had a nice breakfast together. On his way to work, he stopped at the drugstore and bought some supplies. We had not received our birth kit yet!
*****January 29th, 2003*****
My God this boy is gorgeous.
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So – Chris went off to work and I lay down on the couch under the red tent and took a little nap. I noticed that I still seemed to be leaking water and of course, the contractions kept coming. Not too intense, but definitely every 5-10 minutes. They probably only lasted 30 seconds or so, if that… I called Elizabeth back around 10 and we talked a while. She heard my contractions, I mentioned my waters leaking… I think at that point she said that if waters were leaking we would want labor to really kick in within 24 hours. At that point, I still wasn’t sure what was going on. I guess I understood we needed labor to really begin but I also thought it could be a long way off. Again – Elizabeth encouraged me to go about my business and try not to pay too much attention to the sensations I was feeling. I called Chris, let him know what was happening, and went on with the day. I sort of fluctuated between putzing around, doing chores and just chilling on the couch under the red tent. I hung up the birth art and did 3 loads of laundry. All the while I am leaking water and feeling contractions. How did I really feel? I wonder… I think a part of me was still sort of holding back. Not giving myself permission -- or not wanting – to fully go for it. But I did a great job at not paying too much attention. I guess that was the point! At some point my mom called – she said she knew something was up. I would talk through contractions… I told mom I’d keep her posted. Around 2:30pm I called Elizabeth. I let her know that I was still having contractions and still having pinkish discharge and still leaking water. I also let her know that I had had a slightly redder, bloodier discharge. She said that was great – it meant my cervix was doing its work. She said, “You’re going to have a baby, Girl!” I couldn’t believe it and I could. Wow – what a moment. I called Chris and said, “It’s a go.” I gave him a list of supplies and he left work to get that stuff and the birthing tub. I waited for him. Oh – side bar – Elizabeth kept asking me how my spirits were when we spoke. The last time we spoke (around 3pm) I explained to her: I feel as though I am on the edge of a precipice, the abyss, knowing I will jump. What a huge unknown though! I know I need to jump but there is a part of me that does not want to… this feeling would continue for a few more hours… But therein lies the heart of the initiation no? We must jump, we must make those leaps if we are to complete our quests. But at the same time we are afraid to make the leap. One must know there really is no choice in life but to jump.
*****January 31st, 2003*****
Albert is almost one week old. Already I feel as though life is moving so fast. He nursed like a champ the first few days on the colostrum, and was super ready when my milk came in. My nipples were sore for a couple days but now feel wonderful. All in all we really are doing great. I am healing beautifully – the woman’s body is an amazing thing – worthy of all praises.
…
Today I feel quite emotional – I had not yet experienced any of the hormonal emotional postpartum rawness. Today I do. I must admit, I am enjoying this rawness, this lovely emotion. I feel so alive – so in love with my new family.
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When Chris got home around 4 or 5 it seemed that the contractions kicked in a bit more intense. It was as if now that he was home, I had permission to really start active labor. At first – we were kind of frenzied… getting supplies together, putting the tub together. I got quite agitated about the tub… I really wanted it assembled. I think I knew that this labor would progress rapidly, even though I kept talking like it might be a while. We also realized that we would not be able to fill the tub from our kitchen sink. More agitation! We hooked up the hose to the faucet in the garage and the water was filled with sediment and rust. More agitation! We let the water run a bit and it ran clear. Then Chris finally got the tub set up and I relaxed a bit.
It just occurred to me the complete perfection… well clearly t’was all perfect but… had my contractions (mild as they were) not started early Friday morning we would not have had the time to gather all the supplies. The contractions could just have started at 5. Also – I really enjoyed learning to integrate the contractions. Feeling them all day Friday was an invaluable teaching tool. Once again, thank you, thank you.
So – we must have checked in with Elizabeth who again listened to the pace of my contractions. She advised me to eat dinner and again really advised us to go for a walk. I think she may have talked to Chris at that time as well – maybe offering some coaching on how/who to be and what to do. Chris and I then sort of chilled on the couch. I in the red tent, on a towel, with my beads. The beads had actually assisted me – I used them as a rosary, focusing on all the blessings during the contractions. The contractions were definitely intensifying.
Though I wasn’t hungry – I felt (and so did the midwife) that I must eat. Chris made some ravioli and I ate a few. I was starting to feel a bit restless… The idea of going for a walk troubled me a bit. I knew Elizabeth recommended it, strongly recommended it. And I too thought it would help me progress. However, a part of me just wanted to stay curled up on the couch – hiding from the inevitable. Again, that feeling of being on the precipice but resisting the jump. The contractions were this rush of energy that built up and then let you down. There was a definite peak in the contraction and I could feel them coming. They began as a little ball in my belly and grew and spread into my back and legs and built up and rumbled and took over and were everywhere and then let you back down gently. The break was the high… But at this point the contractions were still not that intense and I did not need to do that much work to integrate them.
So there I was, confronted with bringing it on – meeting labor face to face as it were – or staying in my comfort zone. Was I going to jump on my own or would I be pushed?
I chose to go for the walk. For me, that was a real turning point. I finally chose to make that leap of faith… I don’t know that anything would really have been different had I not consciously chosen to face labor, but I think that it is very likely that labor could have lasted longer. Or I’d have been less present… Who knows – what I do know is that making this conscious choice – in the symbolic form of going for a walk – helped me immensely. It strengthened me and gave me courage.
I made the choice in an instant and told Chris we were going for a walk. I got all bundled up – the sweater Nancy gave me, Dorothy’s Hermes scarf, Fer’s sweater, and a hat and gloves. Chris asked me what shoes he should wear and I fiercely said it did not matter! Put shoes on! We are going for a walk now! I had really made up my mind…
It was a beautiful night. There was no moon yet visible so the starts were bright. We walked up the hill, following the perimeter of the open space. It was crisp – it was perfect. The memory of it stirs warmth and love and so much peace in my heart. Just me and Chris – having a baby. So much love. I remembered the Mexican midwife saying, “Love put the baby in and love will get the baby out.”
*****February 5th, 2003*****
So much emotion – I think the contractions were easier to integrate than this postpartum emotion. I am often flooded with tears – not for any specific fear or reason – just highly emotional. Though I miss Chris. And different things trigger me. Like my dad being a pain in the ass.
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The walk – I close my eyes and I am there again. We walked slowly, hand in hand, in sync, together. Sometimes I could continue walking through the contractions, breathing deeply and focusing on the stars. I’d say, “I’m opening, I’m opening.” Other times I would have to stop when I felt a contraction. I would wrap my arms around Chris’ neck and hold on – looking into his eyes, breathing, moaning… It must have sounded like we were making love… Sometimes I’d focus on the lights of the city – sometimes on the stars. Did we talk on our walk? I don’t recall – I have a feeling we were quiet – enjoying the night and the moment.
At some point I decided it was time to turn around. I think a part of me thought I should walk for miles. But I suppose that the higher self – the one who knows – knew that I better get home because I was about to have a baby. So we turned. The contractions were intensifying during the walk – I remember having to stop more frequently on the way back home.
When we got home I went straight up into our bed. The room was dark and Chris lay on the bed with me. It was about 9:30pm and the contractions were intensifying. At this point, I was entering the zone. Truly – I don’t have much recollection of the passage of time or the order of events. I was birthing my baby – I was completely in the moment – perhaps more so than ever before. I’m not sure how to really describe it… Pure birth energy. Pure opening. Pure expansion. Not forcing anything… I never intellectualized a thing – I couldn’t! – my body just did what it needed to do – it was holy…
The contractions were gripping and continued to intensify. In retrospect, I am grateful I heeded Elizabeth’s advice to pay as little attention as possible to the earlier contractions. I think it helped me integrate these more intense contractions. Again, I was going with the flow – I had no idea how close I was to birthing Albert… The contractions came up, beginning as a slow rumble in my belly – developing into a roar – and then it would gently quiet down again. Wave upon wave of opening energy. This is when I really began to enjoy the breaks between contractions. Forget the contractions – it is all about the breaks. The breaks – the breaks allowed me to melt away – enjoy the high (every contraction brings you higher). The breaks are just simply perfect. One could not birth without the breaks. During the break I was not thinking about the last contraction or the next contraction – I was simply resting – resting in the presence of god as it were. The space between the in breath and the out breath. The contractions just led me to more beautiful breaks.
Around 10pm we called Elizabeth. I remember she and Chris spoke for a bit, and then he came and sat down next to me with the phone. Elizabeth wanted to hear my contractions – and she may have been timing. I then spoke to Elizabeth and she asked me if I wanted her support. I said no (what was I thinking?!) but that I may change my mind in 10 minutes. She was surprised but said that she’d pack her car and wait for my call…
*****February 10, 2003*****
Always interrupted. I have spent this morning alone with my son. Dancing to Jerry (Cats Under the Stars) and Dave Matthews Band (Crash). I am overcome with joyous emotion. As deep as the sadness I felt earlier… in week two. I am feeling wide open still – and this love I feel – the love is huge. It is bigger than the universe... Loving Chris, loving Albert, tears of life and love streaming down my cheeks. I am gratitude, I am blessings, I am love. Life is an awesome, mysterious adventure and I am a joyful participant. All is well here – anything is possible. Chris and Jen and Albert – a holy trinity. I have images, visions of Albie as a boy and as a man. He is kind and loving and his very presence heals. He will teach his mama a thing or two. These first few weeks of his life have been… well – new, raw, joyous, sad, easy, graceful and hard. Thank you god for the miracle. We are all blessings…
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From the moment we returned from the walk until the birth – I really have no concept of time. I lay on my bed in the dark room – Chris began filling the birthing tub. The contractions were becoming more difficult to integrate – I tried to find soothing positions, like my hands and knees – but mostly I just rolled and writhed and moaned through the waves of energy. I was also getting louder and louder – doing my best to keep my voice low – based in my gut. The pressure and the energy were intense but I never felt like I could not handle it. I do understand however, why some women choose not to feel… It can be scary – it is the great unknown and it is hard work. Birth is holy – full of ease and grace naturally – but it is not easy per se. I feel grateful that I was not overwhelmed, I was completely trusting of the process – not consciously maybe – but I clearly allowed my body to do what it needed to do.
At around 10:30pm I asked Chris to call Elizabeth and tell her to come over. Things were heating up. I was getting close to – if not already in – transition. Chris was working on filling the tub and then he’d come be with me. I think I must have been quite loud! From this point on things get quite murky and chaotic. Elizabeth arrived at 10:58pm. I must have been in transition. The contractions were relentless (much like motherhood!) and there were no breaks. I remember looking up at Elizabeth and asking with a grin, “Where’s my break?” I also got very nauseous and I asked Chris to bring a bowl to vomit in. Poor Chris sat there and held my hair and watched me puke up dinner. Elizabeth of course thought it was just great that I vomited. This was chaos! And then – suddenly – I got my break. Next phase of labor was starting. I was feeling lots of rectal pressure – feeling like I need to poop – and I guess maybe Elizabeth encouraged me to get up and go to the bathroom. As I now had my breaks I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and took my clothes off. I was still fully clothed!
I probably spent the next 25 minutes laboring on the toilet. It was actually quite a comfortable position. It was clear at this point that I would not use the tub. I was about to have this baby. The contractions were very strong now as baby was making his way down. Both Chris and Elizabeth were in the bathroom with me – doing what they could to soothe me and help me integrate the intense energy. Elizabeth would rub my lower back and make really low tones to keep me open and help me make deep, low vocalizations. Chris stood, allowing me to hold onto him. I held on hard – I roared through the contractions. And the breaks came back – during one I remember playfully biting Chris’ belly. A couple times Elizabeth had to remind me to relax my body during those breaks. Physically, this was an amazing part of labor. My body was opening – expanding. I could feel the baby making his way through the birth canal. I felt his head engage in my pelvis – I was amazed. I told Chris and Elizabeth, “I feel it, I feel his head.” I don’t know what else to say – it is truly amazing to feel a baby making his way into the world through you. Chris was quite amazed as well. He kept looking at me saying, “You’re so open.” Wow – this part of labor was when I got present to the baby. Up until then, I did not feel him. Now – I knew I felt… He was here – he was coming out. I don’t know that I’ll ever forget the feeling of first feeling him in my pelvis. My baby arriving, awakening. Maybe this is also when I realized I was having this baby now… although even then, I had no concept of concrete time… time was fluid, endless.
I remember Chris asked Elizabeth if I was going to have the baby on the toilet. Again, he saw how open I was and I think he thought the baby was just going to pop! Elizabeth said no – the toilet is not a very romantic place to have a baby. During a break she had me get up and go to the bedroom. The bedroom had been all set up… all ready for me to have my baby. I went to the foot of the bed and stood – hands on the edge of the bed. Elizabeth said I could choose any position but that was the first one I picked and it worked for me. I was in my room pushing for about 10 minutes. It went very fast. The contractions were wild – the pressure was intense – my vagina was open – on fire. I heard Elizabeth say, “There’s the head,” and Chris ask, “Is that hair?” I was fierce, roaring – allowing my body to do its work.
Very loud I was – very loud.
Then Elizabeth tells me to put my hands between my legs and with another roar I felt baby’s head in my hand. Oh my god… One more roar and baby was in Chris’ arms. “It’s a boy?” I heard him question… Baby was passed through my legs to my arms – the midwives helped me turn around and I lay back on our bed with baby on my belly in my arms. Baby had come out with one quick yelp and was now peaceful as could be.
Baby had arrived. (At 12:08am)
I felt amazing. Strong. Holy.
*****February 14th, 2003*****
Mom left for Phoenix. I feel blue… Chris’ family arrives tomorrow. I wonder how I’ll do when all the guests stop coming and it’s just me and Albert. Perfect surely – but there is a part of me that is unsure… Why I wonder? The unknown – still the unknown. And I faced the unknown of labor – I will face the unknown of motherhood.
I look at Albert and he is perfect. And I grew him in my belly. I am learning to trust him – trust him to teach me how to mother. He knows what he needs right now – trusting his instinct allows my instinct to grow. He is angelic.
And I am scared – or maybe just being with discomfort. New mom – 1st kid… Still want to be a kid myself. Don’t want to do it without my mom. Afraid to let her go. I also know though, that I must stand on my own. And that I can…
Thank you for this amazing experience.
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January 22, 2006 in Jen | Permalink
Comments
What an amazing thing it is to be a woman! I feel blessed to have been able to read your birth story and share in the wonder of it all. Thank you for sharing, thank you for being you, thank you for being my sister.
Posted by: Patti | Jan 22, 2006 10:03:52 PM
Jen! You beautiful inspiration you. That was amazing. I am at work and thought, I shouldn't start reading this but I couldn't help but finish it. Tears choked my throat but the laughter I couldn't contain. That was so amazing and glorious. Thank you for sharing. I am completely inspired to have a home birth (for now, I think!)...
Posted by: Helen | Jan 23, 2006 3:55:28 PM
Jen this is amazing. I don't think I ever really had a sense of what your birth was like. And I am truly comforted in knowing that you were loud. :) And standing. And naked. We were not alone! And I also love how you describe the resistance pattern and your awareness of it. Feeling on the edge not ready to jump. In gratitude, Ang
Posted by: Angela Miller | Jan 23, 2006 4:28:53 PM
Jen,
I've been meaning to write you back and I'd intended to ask you to share Albie's birth story with me and here it is. Amazing.
This was so beautiful to read and I wish I wasn't at work right now so that I could let out the sobs in my chest. I am so inspired and amazed. You are a goddess of infinite power and beauty. Thank you for sharing this. I love the idea of "integrating the energy" rather than "dealing with the pain".
You have been an inpsiration for me to choose a homebirth. All that not swaying, :) and the great book you gave me. I am awed, humbled, excited, disbelieving and frightened that I will be having this experience for myself and I pray that I will have your strength and be able to open so gracefully to the energy, to god and to my baby. I pray that I will be able to trust my body the way you trusted yours.
Thank you, thank you for sharing this. It is a huge gift.
Lots of love to you.
Posted by: Katia | Jan 23, 2006 5:07:47 PM
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