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February 06, 2006
Luca's arrival
Luca Edward Ciancanelli
February 22, 2003
Disclaimers:
1. I really really wanted to edit this story but decided to copy it straight from my journal for my midwife to read. Hence, disclaimer #2:
2. It is really long.
3. It is really long because I needed to write it ALL to process my feelings/emotions around having a cesearan birth.
February 28th, 2003
I have been a mother for six days, or should I say 42 weeks and 1 day? As I sit in my bed feeding my beautiful son, surrounded by flowers, listening to Mozart and watching the snow fall, I feel like life couldn’t be any better. The only piece that I would add at this moment would be to have Bill sleeping by my side, the cats curled up on the end of the bed, and the dogs sprawled on the floor. My soul is so deeply satisfied. I am grabbing onto every moment as I know that he will grow up so fast. Instead of lamenting that process, I will be present as much as I can and embrace every day fully.
Luca Edward Ciancanelli February 22nd, 2003 8:11 PM
To recreate the birth story is a daunting task. It began on a Wednesday when Dianne offered to strip my membranes. There was no hesitation for us. We were so ready for the baby to join us. In the back of my mind, I was aware of my 22 day dream and felt like there was a chance that he would be born on the 22nd. As I got up on the table, I told Dianne that Anne had said that she was aggressive with this procedure. She said that Anne was being generous, that she was really mean. I wasn’t afraid, just felt happy to do it and hopeful that my cervix was open! She examined me and said, “Hmm…I don’t know if I can get up there…” and then all of the sudden, it felt like her whole hand was up inside me and there was extreme discomfort. Looking back, I can’t remember if there was sharp pain. What I do remember is having my breath taken away, recoiling from her touch and laughing in embarrassment. Dianne leaned over and kissed me on the cheek which really helped. It was like a mini snapshot of what labor might look like. I knew that she would be tough, do the right things for the baby and in the end, she would comfort and appreciate me. What a relief!
On the way out to the car, Bill said that I handled it really well. I didn’t really let it in. I wished that I had looked him in the eye and said “Really?” or “Thank you!” Instead, I avoided eye contact and babbled on about something. It seemed like the perfect first lesson for me about letting Bill in.
I went home and had a restful afternoon, trying not to expect anything. That evening, we were watching TV and I was feeling crampy. I was leaning against Bill when I felt a twinge. I got up to go to the bathroom and found that I had lost my mucous plug. We looked it up in several books and determined that it probably meant I would go into labor in the next few days. We went to bed excited and had our last full night of rest.
I left Dianne a message in the morning and she said “Good, looks like we are on our way to having a baby!” I put on my labor bracelet to surround myself with female energy. The rest of that day, I was crampy and thought I could feel contractions. Bill decided to stay home from work which was awesome. We spent the day relaxing, sleeping, watching movies, talking walks, took a bath…Bill kept asking about the contractions. They were so irregular and undefined that I never had a good answer for him. I was just as frustrated as he was. I think that we had been looking forward to timing contractions. Around midnight, I suggested another walk to King Soopers to rent a movie. Bill agreed to go even though he knew that the rental place would be closed. When I got there, I went to the bathroom. I had been passing mucous all day long. As I left the bathroom, I felt a strange sensation and some leakage. I looked at Bill, afraid to tell him that I thought in case I was wrong. But I couldn’t help it – told him I thought my water broke. We walked home and I questioned myself the whole way. It was such a small amount and it didn’t continue. We got home, and I felt another leakage, bigger this time. I was starting to get some strong contractions. We went to bed, and Bill was rubbing my back. I said that maybe we should call Dianne. I was resisting in case I was wrong. This feeling showed up a lot during labor. For some reason, I had a big fear about being the girl who cried wolf.
Well, Bill was sure that I had, so I really wanted to call Dianne. We talked to her, and then I wanted to try to sleep. Bill stayed up working on his famous Risk simulation program. He was really excited and would run into the room if I got up to go to the bathroom. It was so hard to tell him that I really wasn’t having the right contractions. I just knew instinctively what it would feel like.
In the morning, we talked to Dianne again, and she suggested trying black cohosh. We went over to Wild Oats to get some, and then took a walk behind King Soopers. That stuff was awful – mostly alcohol. I had to put it under my tongue, and it felt like it was burning off all the tissue. I had to take it every half an hour! During the walk, I had a couple of strong contractions which would get me excited but then…nothing.
We were both getting very frustrated. We watched another movie and Bill would just watch me. I know he wanted to ask every 5 minutes about the contractions. I so wanted to tell him that they were progressing! Finally, another conversation with Dianne and we decided to go to the hospital around 7:30 to get induced. The positive part of it all was that I could really prepare. I had already put on my labor bracelet, talked with Mom and Angela, took a shower…Bill was getting tired and grumpy after having been up so late the night before. We said our declaration a couple of times (“We trust in life”) and headed off.
As soon as we pulled into the parking garage, I started getting some contractions. Just about 5 minutes apart and strong enough that I would stop and breathe through them. We checked in and met our nurse, Julie. She took us through a massive checklist of information, set up the monitor and left. Bill was timing contractions, and she told him to stop. That was the first time that she got under my skin. (A funny side note: on the checklist, she needed to know how many years of school that I had done. The answer was 22 and the computer said “Improbable answer.”)
We turned on the Friends episode season 1 DVD on the computer and waited for her to induce me. The contractions were getting more difficult and I remember watching the clock on the computer for the next one to come. When it did, the show would become fuzzy and I tried to breathe through it. I think that was the only time that I used the “center of pain” breathing technique. At that point, they felt like intense menstrual cramps.
Julie came back around midnight and induced me. I asked her to check to make sure that my water had broken. We had to be hooked up to the monitor for the 1st 2 hours. The contractions got worse but not unbearable. I remember trying to watch the monitor a lot, and we were pretty focused on the baby’s heartbeat. Julie came back and unhooked me so that we could go in the Jacuzzi. I remember her telling Bill to fill it up. She just seemed detached and uninterested in us. At this point, the memories become blurry.
I do remember that it felt awesome to get in the water! I was really cold at first but Bill brought over his sweatshirt to keep me warm. He also put on the birth music and got my pillow for me to lean on. Everything he did felt so perfect and loving. The contractions were very painful and I didn’t realize it but I was having incredible back labor. It felt so good to get on my hands and knees and have Bill apply pressure to my back. I moaning pretty loud without even thinking about it.
I can’t remember the series of events too well—I think we were in the tub at 2 different imes. I remember getting in and out of bed several times and needing Bill’s help for everything. He was so gentle and intense at the same time. Julie was giving him no help, so he would race around to get the water birthing tub set up between contractions. He was there for me so completely; I leaned on him so hard. I asked him to everything that I needed, and felt so much trust that he would provide it.
One of the most difficult moments for me was when he held back my hair while I vomited about 5 times in the toilet. Something about vomiting is really difficult for me. I just don’t feel comfortable doing it in front of other people. Well, I got over that! But it seemed like a low point when that happened.
I was leaking out fluids everywhere – seemed like we changed the bed pad a million times. Julie was supposed to check me at 4-ish; she had been really late the time before. Just as we were getting super frustrated with her, she switched over to another patient who was “progressing better”. The way she told me that felt so insensitive. About an hour later, I heard another woman in labor close by. It felt really reassuring to know that we were both in pain. I felt close to the woman without even seeing her. But then, I heard a baby cry. It hit me so hard and made me feel instantly disconnected. It seemed so far away that I would hear my baby cry. That bond with the woman dissipated immediately.
That four hours of labor was intense. I remember being hot and cold, switching back and forth. Wanting to put on my sweat pants and Bill’s sweatshirt. Bill filled the Jacuzzi. It felt magical to be in the water. It was amazingly soothing. I would roll over on all fours, rest on the pillow and Bill would put extreme pressure on my lower back. I don’t know if I asked for this or not – but I just needed him touching me and countering the pain. I asked for music and felt also soothed by the familiarity of it. I would moan and wail, trying to stay low with my voice as Jenn had coached me. As the water got cold, Bill would empty the tub and refill it. I remember experiencing what I came to know as “aftershocks” – a small contraction that immediately followed a big contraction. Somehow, I knew they were coming. My body had taken over and my mind was just taking cues.
Bill was phenomenal. It felt so good to lean on him and trust him completely. At one point, I was getting out of the Jacuzzi when a huge contraction hit me. I just grabbed him and we took on the contraction in a big bear hug. I remember being so moved by the intimacy of that moment and knowing that I would never forget it.
He started learning the pattern of my contractions and would tell me when I had hit the peak and was coming down. He kept telling me how awesome I was, how great I was doing. He kept my diluted juice filled and the music going. It was the ultimate expression of partnership, of love and of trust. I knew that our relationship was changing, and it felt awesome.
The nurse checked on me and finally did an internal exam – about 45 minutes later than promised. I watched her face for clues of what the result might be. She didn’t really seem to care much, so I couldn’t read any emotions. “Well, you are at 2 centimeters.” I felt so defeated. All that hard work for one centimeter.
I think that Dianne told the nurse to suggest that we take a walk at that point. I was a bit scared of that idea, I didn’t know if I could walk through a contraction. But I knew that we weren’t making progress…so it was worth a try. I bundled up again, feeling very cold, and we started making rounds. The first lap was difficult but I felt somewhat positive. I gripped onto the rails in the hallway and moaned through each one. Bill still applied pressure to my back the best that he could. The second lap was very difficuly – it felt like the contractions were coming back to back. At one point, I leaned against the wall and expressed my desperation to Bill. I told him that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I kept repeating that and crying. I felt so out of control, like I couldn’t work with my body anymore. I was getting scared of each contraction, like I wasn’t going to make it to the other side. Bill was quiet and just watched me. At first, I wanted him to say something and then I realized that there was nothing to say. I also realized that I must be really scaring him but I just needed to express all of that before I could take another step.
Somehow, it did help and I started walking again. At the end of that lap, I heard Dianne’s voice behind me and a wave of relief passed over me. I felt so comforted just hearing that familiar, confident voice. She was very upbeat and I said- but we have only progressed one cm! She said, come on, let’s go check you. We were shocked when she told us that I was at 6 cm! Just from an hour of walking!
The memories become really faint at this point because I was just on the edge of managing the pain. I know that we went back in the Jacuzzi again. Dianne was right there and gave me some awesome coaching on breathing. She had me so short low moans, breathing out (instead of the very long moans that I had been doing that were not consciously connected to breath) I saw a side of her that I hadn’t seen in our appointments – except that brief moment when she swept my membranes. She was so supportive, so loving and I felt like I could trust her with my life.
Well, the powerful part of labor seemed to end in terms of my managing the pain. They gave me antibiotics through the IV, put in a catheter and hooked me up to monitors. This was my nightmare during pregnancy – to be chained to the bed. Fortunately, I had a great nurse at this point! No more pinching me with the monitor belt. At some point, they gave me this mild drug so that I could sleep between contractions. Bill crawled in bed with me, and I thought I was in heaven. I was so happy that I decided I wasn’t going to have any more contractions. I actually believed that if I ignored the pain, it would go away. Well, that didn’t work. Every time a contraction came, I moaned and groaned and felt sorry for myself. I just had no vision that the pain was productive as I had earlier. I couldn’t think about the baby. I was just in survival mode. And I really felt like I had endured enough!
When the medication wore off, we started talking about Pitocin. At this point, I was pretty much “chained” to the ned and very frustrated that I couldn’t manage the pain anymore in a powerful way. I was standing up when I told Dianne that I wanted an epidural. She tried to get to me to wait and see how the Pitocin felt. But I was very strong in my decision and knew what I wanted. Usually, I fall prey to what others think but I was unstoppable on this one. I remember that Bill was relieved. He had wanted to suggest it but thought that I should decide.
Getting the epidural was a wild experience. I had to sit still through a contraction so that they could insert a needle in my back. About 10 minutes later, all the fuzziness disappeared. It was like someone turned on a light switch and I could see again. I felt like myself again and could have coherent conversations. It made me realize how much my mind was in the backseat before. It is really scary to see how powerful that drug is, that your mind takes over again.
Dianne felt pretty optimistic that we would have the baby in a couple of hours. We got excited, called my parents, but then things weren’t going well. My contractions weren’t strong enough; my uterus was worn out. They tried increasing and decreasing the Pitocin. And then the epidural started to wear off. So I went right back to transition contractions which was unbelievable pain. I panicked and begged for another epidural. It was so unnatural to go straight back to that pain. It took them 45 minutes to come back which was unbearable, I was hooked to the bed and couldn’t move. Bill was getting upset, and I was desperate. The nurse was awesome, and really kept me from a full blown panic attack. We went through this cycle about 3 times, and at one point tried to push. I had finally gotten to 10 cm after about 2 hours of having a lip in the way. Dianne had done some praying with the nurses to get that lip out of the way! The pushing was weird – like trying to have a bowel movement without feeling like you had to. I had no sensation to push. Another midwife came in to check on me, and Bill saw her shake her head. So, he went out in the hall to talk with Dianne. Then, he came back in and sat down with me. We decided to give up on the vaginal birth. It was a moment of partnership and love, but also a moment of sadness. Then I talked to Dianne, I asked about forceps or vacuum even though I knew that these options were not good. I asked to see my parents, and just cried really hard in my mom’s arms. It was hard to let go.
The doctor talked with us about the procedure and it dawned on me that I would be holding my baby in about 40 minutes. A sense of euphoria came over me, and a sense of completion. I was so happy, started joking about the sex of the baby and told Bill – I think that this baby is over 8 pounds! I got some more drugs, felt the cleaning of my stomach, and the pulling and tugging sensations. When we heard Luca cry, it was the most beautiful moment. Yes, I would have loved to be in the water with Bill behind me, but it does all pale in the end in comparison to seeing your baby for the first time.
They cleaned him (after exclaiming about how big he was!) and brought him over to us. He lay on me and looked into our eyes. He was so calm and so connected to us. It was so beautiful, wonderful, didn’t matter how we got there. Bill took him away and that was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I couldn’t wait to nurse him. When Bill brought him back, he latched on right away. I didn’t have to learn anything or need any help. It was one of the most instinctual and beautiful moments of my life. I just cuddled with Luca and listened to Bill call his parents with the news. We have a healthy happy boy.
February 6, 2006 in Becca | Permalink
Comments
Becca that was really so so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I'd love to hear you write a "what I learned" post for those that haven't gotten the benefit that I have from hearing from you in person! Really one of the best parts of your story, I thought, was how sweet and touched you were by Bill being there for you. I'm so so proud of you for bringing Luca into this world. Keep up everything you're doing, much love, H
Posted by: Helen | Feb 6, 2006 11:58:15 AM
Funny -- before I read Helen's comment I had the same two thoughts:
1. I remember you saying how the birth process was a way for the universe to force you to learn to let go of control, which is of course the perennial struggle as a parent.
2. I, too, never got to hear about this softer, pertner side of Bill. Really appreciated you sharing it.
My overwhelming thought, though, was about the photo, Becca. I don't know why, but more than anything I see from CO on these blogs I visit, Luca makes me cry. He is so cute and beautiful and such a fabulous combination of both of you. I so miss that I haven't had the opportunity to get on the floor and play with him and get to know his personality and have conversations with him. His big ol' smile here gives away part of personality, though... he looks like he just puts himself right out there!
I wonder how you feel about chemistry, work, etc. these days.
I miss you and wish you only wonderful things.
Ciao from Lugano.
Reb
Posted by: Rebecca | Feb 7, 2006 1:54:55 PM
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