October 01, 2007
The mysterious measuring tape among other things
So today, we were talking about creating and how it is a powerful and deliberate act. Alyssa brought over a long thin piece of paper with writing on it. I looked at it and she said she made me a measuring tape. Ok. So I thanked her and tucked it away. A few hours later I decided to hang the bulletin board that has been sitting in the same spot for two years now. What did I need and couldn't find?
Yep. A measuring tape.
You see, the board has two hanger things on it. I still couldn't find the tape so I eyed it.
It's lopsided.
I'm certain we have at least three of them.
We have critters in our shed.
Rats.
Really.
I saw two yesterday and screamed.
The shed is at least 50 years old and has all our junk in there.
The thing is falling apart.
A good place for them to hide and chew up everything.
Hmmm.
I hope my wedding dress isn't out there.
I can't go out there and look.
Oh shit.
And then there's the toilet.
We had a plumbing issue a while back.
They left the toilet and now I can't move it.
Those things are heavy.
It's sitting in our yard.
I'm such a packrat.
No wonder the rats are here.
We need to move to the country.
Or Colorado.
Or Portland.
Or NY.
I miss everyone.
Angela
P.S. Thanks Becca for inspiring this post, it was great to hear from you.
October 1, 2007 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (2)
July 01, 2007
Summer
Hello, checking in from Texas. We have had almost 30 days straight of rain! Alyssa is growing, she is so tall. It is strange to picture her taller than I. We are groovin' with the summer, we have a woman who comes and plays with Alyssa a few days a week. During that time I work/run errands/receive bodywork/work on projects. We are thinking of offering blocks of learning for homeschoolers in the Fall. She can bring in painting, form drawing, fairytales, baking etc. Somehow it is all coming together. We had six children for June and now it is just the three of us. I think we have at least four for the Fall and maybe more. It might be more appealing for families if we offer lessons in blocks so that there is more freedom and a little less comittment. I am also thinking of calling in a language tutor. Alyssa had some experience with a French teacher recently and I saw her engage completely. I am traveling to Sicily in August for a week without her for a retreat and we are going to visit her great grandpa next week for a few days. A full summer with more on the way.
July 1, 2007 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (0)
December 10, 2006
A new post
It has been a while since I posted and after reading the last one written, I realized a lot has changed. So to catch up, after two months of school, I took Alyssa out about a month and a half ago. She started to say she didn't want to go, I went and observed and saw some things that I just couldn't be aligned with and realized it would take too much effort on my part to fit in to what had been already established. We also had difficulty with being there every day at the same time.
I haven't been called much to help at the birthing center but have been called quite a bit to work at the spa. Alyssa can come with me and the woman who owns the spa stays with her while I work. I am also becoming a facilitator with a company called EMC2. It is a company that provides energetic balancing. The web address is: www.energeticmatrix.com.
We put up our Christmas lights yesterday and went to the play The Velveteen Rabbit. I am feeling the holiday cheer. Inside our little family our world feels very large.
Wishing you all and your families a blessed holiday.
Angela
December 10, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (0)
October 04, 2006
Checking In
Hello Five Mamas
A post has been bubbling for me as I know my last was difficult. Difficult to write and perhaps difficult to read. I am feeling much better now. Thank you for your encouragement and support. So much has shifted I am not sure were to begin. Mostly what I want here is to check in and say hello and tell you we are well. Alyssa will be four next weekend. She is in school. I am working. Part time doing massage and part time at a birthing center. We have made many friends here and life in the city has become much brighter. I like it here. I have found purpose again. There is an aliveness and vigor that has come to call. We are thriving on it.
Challenges still arise. That's good. When we bicker, I say "it's healthy." I feel I am always striving, always growing to reach a higher more positive vibration. Alyssa seems to like it. She says she really likes school. Somewhat to my surprise. I still want her home with me. And I want her to have this experience too. She's enjoying it.
We brought home the class bird and I am getting involved. Although not too much. Some of the parents have their children in so many activities. We are still simple. As simple as we can be. The resistance to being here in this city has come and gone. Now I am here and in the flow of it. It is very different from Colorado. And I like it. In a different way. I may be being vague and I need to go. It is a school morning. Structure is good
Be well
Angela
October 4, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (1)
August 17, 2006
No smiles tonight
Recently I read something beautiful and this is what it said "by sharing your pain, you allow yourself to be blessed." Inside of so much I am grateful for simply enough the roof over my head and food in my cupboard, next a healthy, growing child, friends, family, and spirit all sustain me, yet, I am feeling a ton of pain. It has now localized in my throat, face and head where I am suffering from headaches, nausea, and fatigue. The temperatures in Texas are rising. 107 today. 107. Unbearable. And so there is despair for me, I don't feel much like going out and braving the heat and when I do choose to go out usually for a short visit with a friend or to the market, I come home experiencing some sort of pain that I didn't feel before I left. I can't even eat at a restaurant without getting an upset stomach. And so I wonder. I am becoming so sensitive to everything and everyone around me that I have become an isolate. The environment is changing, yes, that's true, especially here in Dallas where the city is tearing down houses and trees all over and they don't even have an idea of how they will meet the 2010 Federal emissions requirements. This place is a mess and the air is a mess. And, there is no congruity in my life. I am finding it difficult to be around other adults with Alyssa. She takes over and I surrender. It seems unsafe here in the city to walk around in surrender. To let all my defenses down and just bear myself. Which is what I do mostly at home. It seems there is so much of a gap between the world 'out there' and the world 'in here'. I like it in here very much and yet, Alyssa seems to want to be around other people besides me. Not to mention we start driving each other "nutso". And I can see the pain on her face as she absorbs it all. It is so hard to watch her use her energy in an attempt to connect and create a community which doesn't exist. And that she and I are so connected makes for very difficult parenting when there is no one else. And so I have had thoughts of inviting her dad back into our lives knowing what challenges that would bring. And wondering if I am strong enough to deal with them. I don't think so as these days, I can barely take care of myself much less a child and a husband. I am in such support of the beautiful families I see wishing and praying that someday I can be happy in one. But so much of my childhood trauma has been surfacing as I have taken on some personal work that has moved all this forward. Perhaps that is why I am experiencing so much pain. I know most of it is the unconscious and I am so ready to release it. But it keeps coming back in various forms. I suppose it is less painful than before. So I do feel growth. I had this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction the other day. A sign I guess. A religious friend of mine once said to me about pain that when it becomes too great and you can't bear it, you can then turn it over to God. At the time, I thought, "or turn it over to yourself, god within". But now I see she was right, now is one of those times for me. The pain is intense tonight, I need prayers. I took Alyssa to my mom's. Goddess bless her.
August 17, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (4)
July 04, 2006
Big Bird is mad at Holly
So I just found out that Big Bird was mad at Holly. Holly is just one of several 'friends' who visits us regularly. It seems that Holly pushed Big Bird down and he hurt his head. Apparently Holly was crying because she was upset that Big Bird was mad at her. Alyssa made the call to Holly saying "it's ok to cry Holly, tears are healthy, they help you grow." Then Big Bird got the call and reported that he wasn't mad at Holly anymore. So after a second call to Holly telling her that Big Bird wasn't mad anymore we found out that she was still crying. And so I asked, "why is Holly still crying if Big Bird isn't mad anymore?" Alyssa said, "oh, because they're happy tears." Alyssa became so thrilled that she jumped around saying, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited!" Then she went and busted a John Travolta Saturday Night Fever move (hand on hip, arm and finger pointed straight to the sky) right in front of the floor-length mirror.
July 4, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (0)
May 14, 2006
A Mother's Day wish
Upon rising this morning I first honored myself by slipping in to a warm tub soak at dawn. I welcomed the light of day and smiled at the birds. The clouds were a soft pink and the breeze kissed my face. My beautiful daughter is sleeping peacefully. And then I decided to make a committment. Or re-commit I should say, to motherhood. Today, I begin again.
Next I felt pulled to post here and to send a wish to the most amazing women and mothers that I know. A wish of peace, of calm, of silence, and reverance. That we all feel on this day the beauty and love within ourselves and the gift that has been bestowed upon us. The gift of our children. May we honor ourselves and our families on this day.
So Happy Mother's Day to the women of Five Mamas. You make life gleam (Alyssa's new favorite word) for us!
May 14, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (2)
May 03, 2006
Hallelugia!
I must post that today was the very first time that Alyssa has ever fallen asleep at home by herself. I went to find her and there she was on the futon in front of the television. Then the ahhhhh feeling came over me, a knowing that she is content, she can relax, and best of all, she's in her own home. Think the tv had anything to do with it?
May 3, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (1)
A little love
A little love from Alyssa as last night I was looking in the mirror at some of the lines in my face and she said: "mom, you don't need to look in the mirror, you are beautiful always." (Surprised I thought: yes, my love, yes!) We've been shaking it up lately, lots of play, laughter, movement, and fun! I put rabbit ears on our tv for a few channels and so now we have pbs. With more tv seeping in, the lingering concern now is this: is my daughter a couch potato or is she simply embracing the couch potato within? I guess I'll have to think about that one. Shucks...May 3, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (1)
February 28, 2006
Rediscovering Passion
I started a post last night called 'Beauty in the Breakdown' thinking I was ready to write some about divorce. And, well, it didn't happen. But I really loved the title. It came from a song called 'Let Go' by Frou Frou. Which I love.
I have been reading A Quiet Place by Peggy O'Mara. It's a compilation of many of her essays through the years. I love her work. She writes in her essay called taking a chance on life:
"Risk taking itself is endangered in our society. Point of view has been co-opted by special interests, advertising, and economics. A great conformity has come to our times. Those who are willing to take risks are in service to the preservation of life itself."
She goes on to say:
"Vitality for life is manifested in the fire of passion. Passion for life translates into a presence in life, a showing up that takes risks because it cannot do otherwise. All of life becomes a love affair, full of emotional charge. The areas most charged with the passion of the moment and the ongoing paradox of conditional and unconditional love are those of relationship. Relationship with ourselves and others: love, parenting, birth, and the creative process."
In service to the preservation of life... Yes. Vitality... Yes. Passion... Yes.
Living in Texas I have felt disconnected from nature, from self. I miss hiking Colorado. Being a native Texan I was surprised to learn that there is hiking in Texas. And so there is a book I have titled Hiking Texas. I think I'll plan a spring trip for us.
There is this little town in Italy I read about a few years back that has codes to keep commerce out. No cars, fast food, signs, etc. I think I'll go sometime. I think Alyssa would like riding her bike to the local market.
I downloaded some Bee Gees tunes the other day. I love the Bee Gees. And we grooved to Michael Jackson the other day. So sad he's gone. Where the hell is Ba Rain anyway?
Its funny to me that I had let things like music fall out of my life. I read somewhere that "canned" music may stunt a child's creativity. And so I have been without it. All the songs I enjoy have been patiently waiting for me.
And I wonder why I feel like I need to know you all better. Why I want to learn more, go deeper. To know you in the way that I'd like to know myself. What do you feel, what is your experience, who are you? I'd like to know. Why don't we talk about ourselves in this way? Why do we leave the juice out? I need the juice to survive. Otherwise the race of automode will take over. We are better than that, we do not give up easily.
February 28, 2006 in Angela | Permalink | Comments (1)
